The Future

Today I really started thinking about the future. And by that I mean all of the things that I won't get to do with Matt. No more holidays, football games, summer activities.. All the fun things that we used to do that we won't do anymore.

Life isn't fair.

I am already deciding I will be leaving town for Christmas. Maybe going to Hawaii. I don't know. But I can't do Christmas this year.

Lost

I am lost. I am alone. I don't know what to do. 

My partner, my reacher of high things, my confidant, my everything, gone.. in a heart beat .. gone.

I was so annoyed that he wouldn't answer my phone call. This isn't the first time that his phone had been on silent.. except his phone was silenced. He was. My house is so quiet. His larger than life attitude, his loudness.. gone. All the stupid stuff that annoyed me.. I want it back. If only there was a way to go back and call him 10 minutes earlier and tell him "drive slow, the road is slick". Maybe, I wouldn't be awake at 3:30am wondering What the fuck did he do to deserve dying at 30. 

My mind and notebook are full of lists that I have to do. 

1. Breath

2. Create a budget.

3. Figure out what I need to sell.

4. Breath, Eat, Drink Water.

5. Greive, Cry, Scream, 

6. Learn to be alone.

I just don't want to do any of it.. I don't want to face it. I can't. But yet I have to. I have to be the together one now. I don't have him to have it together. I have to have it together.

Except at 3:30am, I don't have it together, I am slowly losing it.